What's that word when you notice themes in your world? Like the universe is gently smacking the shit out of your face with something? Synergy? Maybe. I try to be aware of that stuff, but I know I'm too wrapped up in my ownness to notice too often.
I've been really itchy, ansty, feeling trapped for the last few months bordering on years. I want a change, I want fulfillment, I want to be something. No, not just want - I FEEL that stuff. Does that make sense? I know in my heart that continuing to live the same day-to-day that I am is just wrong, that nothing good can come of it. It's like I'm delaying potential and purpose.
Trying to let something out or something in, not sure which. The 4-Hour Work Week and The Art of Non-Conformity have crept up from inspiring to biblical, but still, nothing's different except for how much harder I'm pushing against my world to get out of it. Not my whole world - I guess this is sounding really dramatic and epic. But 40 hours a week of barely making enough to live somehow invades the rest of my life with fear, dread, unhappiness, waste.
In Seth's Godin's blog yesterday, he wrote "No, everything is not going to be okay" - we seek solace and reassurance and lie to ourselves, but once we shun that, we can take risks. And then last night, as I cried my eyes out during the Hope for Haiti telethon, Jennifer Hudson covered the Beatles "Let it be."
So 2010, I will make change of you. I will stop moping around in a depressed, victimized state and take risks. I may fail miserably and hopefully not go bankrupt, but at least I will try. Something's gotta give. (Thanks Nancy Meyers.)
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